Saathiya

These past few weeks I have started paying more attention to the mundane.. the seemingly unimportant.. the "what really doesn't mean much but has just always been there"...

With each passing day I realize more and more how little time I have left..

To look at the trees lining my lane.. how some of them shed their leaves every year and then spring back to life and then some that just stay comfortingly constant.. to look at the staircase in my house that has served its purpose for the past 10 yeas.. to cuddle all the bears and other stuffed friends... to admire the lush creeper that grows outside my room window and how it blossoms beautifully with tiny white and pink flowers and the hundreds of little birds who have built their nests in it... to sit on my little built in couch... to critically measure the symmetry with which I have hung the red, green and yellow lanterns in my room.. to walk through a driveway which leads to my house.. to just plonk myself somewhere and wish for a glass of frothy slightly bitter sweet cold coffee and have it magically materialize in front of my eyes.. to breathe in the pure night air... too see the same stars embracing the same moon...

But wait... These stars.. the moon... the air I breathe those are going to follow me no matter where I go... those seemingly mundane things that I have been trying to cherish more and memorize over the past few weeks... They're not all being taken away from me... some of them will be mine.. will walk with me.. for eternity... and that makes me realize thats its kind of the same thing with certain people.. Thats it then I guess.. knowing that somethings and some people don't leave you.. they're with you for life.. in good times and bad.. They are the constants...

So every time I think of my constants.. those hearts that beat just like mine no matter the physical distance and the memories and dreams that link us... I'll look out into the inky blue night take a deep breath... and thank that higher power for putting those constants in my life... and every time I see my meta physical constants - my heavenly friends I'll know that even though I can't... they can see my home.. my people.. and I can vicariously live through them.. I guess I'll be closer to home than I think..

Memories..

While getting ready to leave my apartment in New York.. I don't know why but I just turned around and ran back into my room... One last time I closed my eyes and opened them to look through the bay windows.. right where the Hudson River was gently being pierced by the sun.. Where the molten gold was rolling itself magnanimously over the azure water... and the water was reflecting.. glimmering.. shining..

I just stood there.. drinking in what was before me.. and then I shut my eyes again...

I turned around and there I saw standing my two pillars.. My roommate and my best friend.. and suddenly a million memories of the past year flashed through my mind... Its never enough is it? I wanted just one more day where I could do what I had done for the past 383 days.. Spent my time with them and the many other people who made the past one year the most memorable in my life....

No matter how hard I prayed.. time didn't turn back.. and I was slowly escorted out of 24G..

Even today when I close my eyes.. I see my windows.. the river and the sun.. and wonder.. if ever.. once more... once again...

Dor

I guess I am going through a time in my life.. where prayer seems to be the only salvation..

Sitting in a car, going for a shower, just sitting pretending to watch TV or read a book.. certain thoughts kept coming back.. making me think.. and then think some more..

I sat there stressed and wondering, swinging between feeling guilty, being sad, getting close to tears, smiling at some memory... and then I realized.. I am not following my own faith.. my biggest belief..

Tera Ram Ji karenge beda paar
Udaasi mann kahe ko kare..

Tera Ram Ji karenge beda paar
Udaasi mann kahe ko kare..

Dori sonp ke to dekh ek baar
Udaasi mann kahe ko kare..

Thats it then.. We try to hold on too tight.. We think the reigns of our lives are in our own hands and we try to maneuver the course life takes.. take control.. but kabhi bhi is dor ko in reings ko Uske haath mein sopne ki koshish nahi ki Jisne yeh zindagi di hai...

So in that one moment I made a decision.. that I would just let go and let Him decide..

Someone very close to my heart presented me with a beautiful thought: "When you love someone too much.. they become your weakness.." She said.. "God is my weakness and that is why He is my strength..."

I've decided to adopt this in my life.. I have always had faith in Him and respected Him.. Maybe never realizing that those emotions really stemmed out of love..

So as I sit here.. struggling with emotions, big changes, my new mac (that I still don't know how to use), a new (old) place, a new time zone.. I pray.. to Him.. to please take over..

Waqt

When I was a kid and made a mistake while doing my homework, I would take my steadler eraser (the only one I liked) and erased what I had written... to the point that sometimes my mother had to tell me stop lest I tear the page..

I hated the little impressions the pencil left when the mistake was made.. I always wished there was an eraser that would completely wipe off the hint of my errors... wishful thinking of a child but I wanted my pages to look perfect..

I couldn't help but think the other day.. that the mistakes we make in our lives.. also leave impressions and hints of their manifestion on our memories.. its like our memories are the pages that we write on.. our actions being the writing itself..

Sometimes we make mistakes and hurt people.. sometimes we regret making those mistakes.. and those memories come back.. every so often to remind you to maybe not make that mistake again... or to remind you that the mistake was made.. and there is nothing that can be done to change that.. other than..

Other than to alter the course of the future..

So I guess once in a while its good to see those impressions to remind ourselves that one day our future will be our past and our actions will have a ripple in the pond effect.. and that no matter how hard one tries.. the past will always be present in the future..

Kahaani..

Since childhood I told myself once every few days.. I should start writing in a journal.. I would start- fill a few pages with random thoughts with the intention of someday reaching the last page and soon that journal would be forgotten adding yet another number to the pile of other forgotten ones..

Kahaaniyan banti chali gayi.. and I kept growing older with no documentation of the occurances of my life.. other than my fragmented, disjointed memories..

Even now I have three journals in my apartment.. all with something in it and yet not complete.. with pages not yet stained with the ink of my pen and my heart..

I guess what I am looking for is a perfect journal.. A journal that has pages divided according to what is going to happen.. some months with lots more writing space than others cause after all some times are just more eventful than others.. some with dates that are going to be significant and I will make notes on those days.. look back decades later and smile at those jotted down memories! Some dates entirely missing cause nothing really happened on those days you know.. no thoughts.. no reminders..

Every time I had to write a new page would magically appear.. that way I wont know my future but at least “now” will be there for me think about and write…

And there.. right there.. will be.. my witness to everything, every feeling, every thought.. my fears, happiness, anxiety, joy, failures, triumphs and dreams..

So that at the end of my life.. I can look at something tangible and think.. yeh hai.. meri kahaani..

The Teacher

I want to ask my teacher some questions.. I don’t know if he will ever answer them for me.. maybe he will be just smile and brush off his greatness as nothing.. and I will once again realize how small I am compared to him..

I have seen you since childhood
Toiling away your hours
Trying to make a better life for me
To give me what I want

Did you never question the benefit to you.. or how worth it was for you to see only other benefiting?

You sat and heard me cry
To take away all my pain
And make me see the light
By telling me simple stories

Did you never want to lose your patience with my childish problems?

You always followed a certain path
A path not easy to follow
Of absolute truth and integrity
Which brought you pain and suffering

Did you never want to just give up and take the path traveled by the others.. leading a more comfortable life..

In the quest for knowledge and truth
You gave up simple pleasures
Always doing the right thing
You set out to be an example

Did you never tire of being the greater one, sacrificing, compromising and adjusting

I just want to tell you my teacher.. That you are my pillar, my source of strength, my connection to God and to everything else that is true, wonderful and holy..

W.O.W.?.!.?

So yesterday I sat and watched the making of Friends.. or rather the making of the 1st episode of Season 6.. Where Monica and Chandler want to get married in a Chapel in Vegas and their plans are sort of .. well lets say.. quelled by Ross and Rachel’s decision to do the same!

While watching the making I realized the amazing attention that directors, art directors, producers, prop managers, sound and light directors and make up artists pay to detail..

I never even noticed it but they apparently change the display of teas and coffees in the shelves every two to three episodes because “after all which coffee shop is stagnant” and that they debate for hours over which shade of marker ink should Ross and Rachel have on their faces the morning after they put it there.. (when in actuality the show is being shot 6 months later..)

They have special sound artists who create noises such as heals running over cement and then the same heals running over carpet and enact is as the actors perform, in complete sync with them to create the most life like and natural sounds.

.. Its amazing how many cameras are focused on the actors to catch every angle of their act and how scene by scene each one is joined together to flow in the most continuous manner, in a way that the audience sees the best lighting, body movement and area of the studio.

The thing I found most amazing was how much writers improvise while the scenes are being shot. Even after spending countless hours trying to come up with a script, working till the wee hours of the morning and going back and forth on every scene, some scenes fall flat on their meter, being declared as “not funny enough”.. and then while the cameras are rolling writers come together to come up with funnier lines..

I guess the point of this blog.. is to sort of pay a tribute to the 1000’s of people who work very hard and tirelessly.. to bring every episode to our television screens..