Waqt

When I was a kid and made a mistake while doing my homework, I would take my steadler eraser (the only one I liked) and erased what I had written... to the point that sometimes my mother had to tell me stop lest I tear the page..

I hated the little impressions the pencil left when the mistake was made.. I always wished there was an eraser that would completely wipe off the hint of my errors... wishful thinking of a child but I wanted my pages to look perfect..

I couldn't help but think the other day.. that the mistakes we make in our lives.. also leave impressions and hints of their manifestion on our memories.. its like our memories are the pages that we write on.. our actions being the writing itself..

Sometimes we make mistakes and hurt people.. sometimes we regret making those mistakes.. and those memories come back.. every so often to remind you to maybe not make that mistake again... or to remind you that the mistake was made.. and there is nothing that can be done to change that.. other than..

Other than to alter the course of the future..

So I guess once in a while its good to see those impressions to remind ourselves that one day our future will be our past and our actions will have a ripple in the pond effect.. and that no matter how hard one tries.. the past will always be present in the future..

Kahaani..

Since childhood I told myself once every few days.. I should start writing in a journal.. I would start- fill a few pages with random thoughts with the intention of someday reaching the last page and soon that journal would be forgotten adding yet another number to the pile of other forgotten ones..

Kahaaniyan banti chali gayi.. and I kept growing older with no documentation of the occurances of my life.. other than my fragmented, disjointed memories..

Even now I have three journals in my apartment.. all with something in it and yet not complete.. with pages not yet stained with the ink of my pen and my heart..

I guess what I am looking for is a perfect journal.. A journal that has pages divided according to what is going to happen.. some months with lots more writing space than others cause after all some times are just more eventful than others.. some with dates that are going to be significant and I will make notes on those days.. look back decades later and smile at those jotted down memories! Some dates entirely missing cause nothing really happened on those days you know.. no thoughts.. no reminders..

Every time I had to write a new page would magically appear.. that way I wont know my future but at least “now” will be there for me think about and write…

And there.. right there.. will be.. my witness to everything, every feeling, every thought.. my fears, happiness, anxiety, joy, failures, triumphs and dreams..

So that at the end of my life.. I can look at something tangible and think.. yeh hai.. meri kahaani..